Get all 70 Pete Murphy releases available on Bandcamp.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Magic City (#16), Disturbance (#15), The Experience (For The Weird) (#14), All Poets Are Pornographers (#13), 50/90 2023 Demos, Indulgence Not Abstinence (#12), Kaleidoscope of the 23rd Mind (#11), Eat me / Drink me (#10), and 62 more.
1. |
||||
|
Janice! Oh Janice! What are you doing?
You're prancing about and your bloomers are showing!
The ventriloquist's giving away gottles of gear
And you've guzzled them all
Just look at your leer!
Just look at your leer, Janice!
There'll be no getting jiggy with Janice today
There's no chance that she will be having her way
No getting jiggy with Janice tonight
I have the impotence, and she looks such a fright
Janice! No! It's out of the question
There'll be no performing on this medication
I can't get it up, and my ticker is dicky
You'll have to look elsewhere if you want a quickie
Janice! Please stop!
I'm reading the papers
I haven't the time
For these saucy capers
You have other options
So leave Edward be
We have very different definitions of BBC!
There'll be no getting jiggy with Janice this morning
I'd rather read Tolstoy, even if it's boring
There'll be no getting jiggy with Janice next week
I've arrived prematurely
And I appear to have sprung a leak
Janice oh Janice
I can't fill your gaps in
You might need to bring a much younger chap in
To tend to your wild and insatiable needs
I'll be downstairs on the sofa, just napping, you see
So please keep the volume down, dear!
Janice! Janice! What are you doing?
You sound like a cow, with all of that mooing
The shrieks and the panting
They keep me awake
And I've been listening to them
All bloody day
There'll be no getting jiggy with Janice tomorrow
I don't have the strength, so she might need to borrow
A stud from the farm
(That's what they call the local nightclub)
it's grab a granny on Wednesday's, you know.
|
||||
2. |
Bloody Dog!
02:21
|
|||
|
The bloody dog
Has made off with my socks
She does it for kicks
It is I whom she mocks
I can see the cogs
Turn behind
Her anthropomorphistic
Devious eyes
The bloody dog
Has chewed up my glasses
She's a super computer
The info she parses
The knowledge of the stress that she causes
Then she comes along and gives me her pawses
The bloody dog
Has eaten my dinner
She leapt on the table
Like an Olympic winner
I'm so bloody hungry
My stomach is growling
And so is the bitch
While I'm sitting here scowling
|
||||
3. |
||||
|
You'll have to speak up
Because my hearing aids
Are broken kaput
And I can't hear your tirades
About Donald the trump
And Vladimir Putin
And all of the lives
That they are polluting
I can't get around
My walking sticks snapped
In pieces of eight
Now I need a nap
If I can't fix it
I'll be bed bound
And eating stale biscuits
'til I'm dead in the ground
I can't see a thing
My glasses were chewed
By the bloody dog
She mistook them for food
It's no fun getting old
And reliant on carers
Who steal all my gold
Karen! And Tanya! And Sarah!
You thieving little moles!
|
||||
4. |
The Rum
02:48
|
|||
|
The best time of the day
Is five before breakfast
A cheeky snifter
Puts the wind in my sails
I leave my cornflakes
To go a little soggy
As I stagger to the letterbox
To pick up the mail
It's rum o clock!
Rum's the greatest of the nouns
Janice! Grab your frock
And we can go out on the town
The best time of the day
Is ten after dinner
Dried gravy on my chin
The combination's such a winner
I pour it over pudding
It's better than the custard
And helps Edward to deal
With all the sober bastards
It's rum o clock!
I live for this moment
I'd lick it off the floor
If the bottle got broken
The best time of the day
Is just before bed
Unwinding on the chaise
And feeling so well fed
This liquid diet
Is the best that I've found
You weight watchers should try it
You'll lose all of the pounds
It's rum o clock!
Yes, dears!
It's rum o clock!
Did you hear?
It's rum o clock
All day and all night long
The best time of the day
Is the moment of waking
I reach for the bottle
It's there for the taking
But in my state I'd forgotten
It was empty before bed
So what is this liquid
I'm drinking instead?
Oh bugger, oh blast
Now I remember
I needed to whizz at three and a quarter
Oh damn it, oh blerrrgh
I've come over all giddy
I must be imbibing my own wee!
It's pee o clock
Oh damn it, oh skid-a-lee-dee!
Where is my rum?
The decanter is empty
Oh bugger! Oh bum!
I need to go down to the Tesco
Post haste
To get some more of the rum
And rinse my mouth, of this disgusting taste
|
||||
5. |
Oh, Hello Doctor
02:16
|
|||
|
Oh, hello doctor
I need some advices
I'm having an existential crisis
What is the point
In any of this?
It's no fun getting old
But it would be remiss of me
To mention that...
I enjoy the beano as well as the sartre
The Blackpool as much as the Montmartre
The Bergman as much as Muriel's Wedding
But it really doesn't matter
Because soon we'll all be deading
Oh, hello doctor
I'm needing some help
I'm having some issues with my metal health
What is the point
Of carrying on?
When my legs are not working
And my hearing is gone
But I'll say that...
I drink down the hooch
As well as the whisky
The single malt liqour
As well as the risky
Own brand stuff
It really doesn't matter
That it tastes rough
As long as it still gets me battered
Do you have any
Useful suggestions?
Well then...
Goodbye doctor
You just don't understand
What it is like
To feel less of a man
My eyesight is wonky
And my willy's stopped working
For peeing and screwing
It's like a shrivelled up gherkin
|
||||
6. |
The Tesco
03:11
|
|||
|
Why do they call it a supermarket?
There's nothing super about it
They move all the things round
And do a confusings
I think mister Tesco must find it amusing
To bamboozle us old folks
They're constantly changing
The layout
It's a bloody joke!
Please mister Tesco
I implore you in song!
Stop piddling about
With the tea and the scones
The bread and the biscuits
The rum and blancmange
The dog food and Werther's
You must know it's wrong
The chopping and changing
Is driving me mental
It gives me a headache
Makes me sentimental
About the good old days
When all was well
And the order of things
Didn't resemble hell
I can't find anything
They're constantly moving
My routine is buggered
And I'll bet they're all in the back
Laughing at us, dears!
Oh, I don't like the Tesco
Let's go to Aldi's!
Please mister T
Be the host with the mostest
Or the pensioners will
Stand outside, on a protest
Shaking their sticks
And burning their vests
Padlocked and chained to your rubbish fence
They say that it's due
To customer feedback
But I highly bloody doubt it!
It's all about money
And it's about time
That somebody shouts about it
Let's all shout about it!
Let's go and complain!
|
||||
7. |
Charity Shop
03:30
|
|||
|
The girl who works the till at the charity shop
Always wears a mini skirt and low cut top
It brightens Edwards day, and as long as she is working there
I'll never stop
Visiting the charity shop!
Bric a brac and dog eared books just aren't my style
I only go because I've fallen for her smile
If I was 50 years younger, I'd love to take her under,
My wing, I would respect her and I'd love to hear her sing
She's a Monet perfect picture and my heart does a stop
Every time she bends over and glides that dirty mop
Across the tiles
Where many before me have trod
And when she reaches up to polish the very top shelf
I catch a glimpse of her... Oh God!
But then everything changed, and the fantasy... well... listen to this...
Yesterday I brushed past her
And I came over all nerves
She laughed and called me
A cheeky old perv
Then dragged me into the back
Amongst the bin bags of donations
And proceeded to consummate
Intimate relations
My blood pressure was spiking
As she writhed on little Edward
And I was very much liking when
She told me that I could
Do anything I wanted
I felt sorry for the oak and birch
They'd be jealous of Edward's wood
Onward! Onward Edward's wood!
Oh you truly are a charity girl!
|
||||
8. |
Only Girl In The World
03:55
|
|||
9. |
Don't Stop Me Now
04:24
|
|||
10. |
The Sexuals
02:00
|
|||
|
I don't give a bloddy damn
If you're gay or straight
A woman or a man
Non binary
Sits with me just fine
It's with those who oppose
That I draw the line
The hetero, the homo
The trans'-cendental
It doesn't matter
Which kind of sexual
The metro, the meta
The A or the bi
Fly that rainbow flag with pride
I don't care a sodding bit
Where you feel
That you might fit
Or if you change your mind
Halfway
Your business is none of theirs
Anyway...
The pan or the poly
The inter, the spectral
It doesn't matter
Which kind of sexual
The auto, the omni
The demi or skolik
Keep on with your fun and frolics...
|
||||
Pete Murphy Birmingham, UK
Pete Murphy, UK songwriter. I make unpopular music in numerous styles... everything recorded, performed, mixed, and mastered by me in a tiny corner of the lounge in my house. Avant pop, experimental, electronic, techno, solo jazzy piano, techno jazz, rock, musicals, sound art, comedy, and more... ... more
Pete Murphy recommends:
Ergo Phizmiz is one of the most prolific and inventive artists on the planet. This is the first E.P. album I heard, and I very quickly became a fan.
go to albumIf you like The Edward Show Musics Album (Comedy Songs), you may also like:
Comp8 - Bowlful Of Beeps 1
by V/A
supported by 10 fans who also own “The Edward Show Musics Album (Comedy Songs)”
Excellent compilation with great variety
go to album
supported by 9 fans who also own “The Edward Show Musics Album (Comedy Songs)”
go to album
ON014 - Surfing
by SpecialxDelivery
supported by 9 fans who also own “The Edward Show Musics Album (Comedy Songs)”
Each song in SpecialxDelivery's Surfing is a bizarre sketch full of insane drug-induced poetry to partake in a frenzy of LSD while surfing the waves with a gatling gun. Now that's grind!!😁🤘🏼🔥
go to album
Arian Shafiee (Guerilla Toss) enlists claire rousay, Gabi, and more on this patient, contemplative ambient outing.
go to album
Atmospheric baroque instrumental pop from composer Luke Cissell—complex and carefully constructed but not without a sense of humor or light.
go to album
